Archive for category: Blog

The British people have shown great resilience over the last few days in coping with the Manchester bombing. For the most part they have kept true to their values and their way of life. We hear of Mancunians pulling together in the midst of the crisis, offering practical support, food, shelter, care. We read the story of a homeless man overcoming his own difficult circumstances and rushing in to help in the immediate aftermath of the bomb, we read of families offering bed and board to strangers who were searching for missing relatives. And whilst there are those who were quick off the blocks to stoke hate for Muslims and immigrants, the vast majority of people were having none of it. Our TV screens showed soccer fans holding a dignified minute’s silence at a match, and there were vox pop interviews on news programmes where ordinary people spoke out against hate, including hatred of immigrants and Muslims. There was also no shortage of Muslim voices saying “Not in our name” to any of their faith who were thinking of launching any attacks in Britain. It is clear that for some time members of the Islamic community have been co-operating with the police to identify threats to the people of Britain. Those of us who were in London at the height of the troubles will well remember the great Irish demonstration in Hyde Park when many thousands of Irish people said “Not in our name” to our fellow countrymen who wanted to bomb Britain. Back then, as now, the people who make up the great melting pot that is Britain dipped into their resilience and were not cowed by bombers. So what is this thing called resilience? It could be described as communities and individuals successfully adjusting to very difficult circumstances, through psychological, emotional, practical and spiritual means. One of the most important facets of resilience is the capacity for meaning-making. In the midst of the carnage in Manchester this week, and despite a small minority urging hatred, the community remembered what is important to them, they kept to their values and meaning, found solidarity in communal care, rejected hatred and continued to do what they always do. Resilience isn’t just continuing to do what we always do, it is also knowing the meaning, values and philosophy of life that drive us to continue.

We are all intensely interested in reading about other people’s sexual lives and it is even more compelling to compare ourselves to what appears to be the ‘average’.  On the one hand none of us like to consider ourselves average but there is a comfort in knowing that we are not as strange or weird as we might think.  The Irish Times sex survey offers us a glimpse into the lives of our fellow citizens and compatriots in the western world and some of the results are surprising in that what we imagine to be normal may in fact be wide of the mark.

We often think, particularly when warning younger people of the dangers of sex that our world has become over-ridden with sex, porn and fantasy but this survey shows perhaps that we are having as much sex as our parents and grandparents.  For couples who are together more than a year, the average amount of sex is once a week and it seems that most couples experience orgasm and satisfaction and they almost all rate trust and communication as vital to good intimacy.  This sounds very sane and yet it can provide longevity as those couples who are in a relationship for over thirty years report having a good sex life. There is some truth to the maxim ‘use it or lose it’ and staying sexually active throughout life can keep us open to the world, engaged with the human side of us and keep us generous and kind.  Habit can however be boring and it seems that men (and homosexual and bisexuals in particular) seek to keep the sex interesting and varied and this might be worth noting as desire and intimacy keeps us on the edge of life.

People report that talking about the difficulties appears to be the best way of solving them and this survey shows that dysfunction is not just an experience of aging but is common across all age groups.  That talking and communication can improve your sex life is something that deserves consideration  as many people would hesitate before discussing their intimate lives with friends or family and yet this might be the road to understanding and success.  We often talk to our partners but can find that fear of upsetting or causing hurt can limit our conversations and so perhaps we could risk opening up to other people and we might find perspective and compassion there.

Also, the survey suggests that people have become more flexible in their sexual practices, with oral, anal and fantasy sex becoming part of the sexual fabric and the internet has become both a source for information and a sexual satisfaction tool for many people.  The survey could have gone further here and investigated how much and what type of porn is used and what effect it has on people as individuals and on their relationships.  That porn has become the hidden underbelly of modern sexuality is not in doubt but how this affects us and our choices would be a good subject for discussion across all ages.  Most young people report having a reasonable relationship with porn in that they know it is fantasy and that real human beings behave differently but there are those who become obsessed with it and find that they are having difficulty with reconciling their fantasies with real life relationships.   This can lead to hiding their real desires and the possibility of intimacy with a real person becomes remote as revealing the truth might bring shame and condemnation.  If this is not tackled quickly then the habit can become hardened and it is more difficult to solve when the person eventually meets someone they want to be intimate with. So again talking and opening up at an early stage is the way to go but this might be a very difficult ask of a vulnerable person.  Further surveys on this topic of porn and sexuality might allow people to feel more normal and less alone in their situations but we need information that is more detailed and varied.

The survey reports that the average age of the first sexual experience is 19 (slightly younger for girls) and this something that might take pressure off young people who feel their virginity to be a burden to be gotten rid of.  Most teenagers report that they think the age of loss of virginity is much younger than this and this might offer some relief.  Added to this is the information of the average numbers of sexual partners in a lifetime is also lower than expected (10 on average) and this might also give people time to allow themselves to experience this across the lifespan rather than trying to gather experience in a few short years.

That younger people report satisfaction in the sex education they receive is also heartening as this is new for Ireland and it might mean that there will be a new openness and lightness about sexuality that has not been available heretofore.  However, with the onslaught of internet porn there is no doubt that we will need more knowledge and support than has been required previously.  Having sex surveys that are done by an independent, credible source offers a wonderful alternative to going to the internet for information.  However, we need information that is more in-depth as this merely whets our appetite for more of what is usual, normal and acceptable in our intimate lives.  That there are many people and couples who have no sex in their lives need also to be acknowledged and their experiences and attitudes validated.  Our sexuality in core to our being and it continues to be relevant for the entirety of our lives – this survey validates this notion and further research is needed as the complexity of our sexuality is revealed.

Loneliness is a natural phenomenon that we all experience at various points throughout life: when we leave home, we have a break-up, someone we love dies, when our children leave, at retirement and in old age when we experience the loss of our friends and partners.  We have a sense of the normality of this but loneliness can also develop into something permanent, a type of ever-present companion and this requires action and attention.  Loneliness pushes us to move out of our self-protected spaces and urges us to make meaningful connections in the world.  It involves taking risks as only genuine connection satisfies.  Most of us have experienced loneliness in the middle of crowed rooms or indeed in the middle of pseudo relationships and we know that this is not what fulfills and ultimately it will not satisfy.  The road to meaningful relationships and friendships is not an easy one and it will require courage, perseverance and faith.

Spending time with people is a basic step.  Initially this might feel fraudulent as you are on the edges of the group but with time, the boundary of being on the outside become more permeable as acceptance and belonging grow.  Say ‘Yes’ to any and all invitations as the practice of mingling and turning up for events becomes more comfortable and endurable.  Ask people to events or coffee and initially make these short so that your endurance is not stretched too far.  If we spend enough time with people and particularly if we do something for them, care and friendship arise naturally.  If joining a club or group is too difficult, think of volunteering or helping out at an event.  This takes the pressure off socialising as working together creates a natural fellowship.

Look at your living situation.  Is it conducive to social living?  We need to balance the need for refuge in our homes with the need for connection.  If the people/person you are living with are not good for you, what are the possibilities for change? If you are living alone, could you consider taking a room in a shared house?  There is no doubt that if you are lonely, something needs to change and this can start with your living situation or your social situation.  The prediction is that many of us will live alone in the future and if we are to thrive we will need strong social and friendship connections and the time to foster these is now.

One of the factors of loneliness is self- consciousness or self-absorption.  This is where all the attention is focused inwards due to fear of rejection or fear of being thought needy.  If we are to overcome loneliness, this inward focus needs to be turned completely outwards so that we are open to connecting with others.  Be interested in the other person, ask questions and let your intelligence tell you when either you or they have had enough.  Be brave enough to ask to meet again and do not engage in post-mortems as going back over conversations only results in misery for you.  Take the first step outward and begin the journey towards connection.